Well, the results are in. Fierce Queen 128 Grazer has been officially crowned the 2023 Fattest Bear in Katmai National Park. It’s the first win for 19-year old Grazer.

The Fattest Bear Contest is an annual event run by the National Park Service with the winner decided by popular vote. After 1.3 million votes were counted, Grazer won by more than 85,000 votes over runner-up 32 Chunk, a male bear who was said to have a particularly impressive “low-hanging belly and ample hindquarters.” Grazer waddled her way to the title based on her dramatic “before and after” photos. Grazer was also the first female winner since 2019 and only the third female winner in the competition’s 10-year existence.

Fattest Bear experts point out that it is particularly difficult for females to win because they burn up much of what they eat taking care of their cubs while irresponsible bear daddies can engage in unfettered gluttony. While Grazer and Chunk took home the medals, all the bears in the contest are actually winners since bears need to pack on the pounds in summer and fall to survive winter hibernation.

The exciting Fattest Bear Contest was the culmination of a fall season that has been unusually bear-intensive for me. A couple weeks ago we had a surprise visitor of the ursine persuasion pass through our yard. The bear was evidently hoping to find some unguarded food stash. Luckily for us, the chickens were safely tucked into their coop, so the bear settled for turning over and consuming a healthy portion of a couple of buckets containing chicken scratch and meal worms. For dessert, the bear made a stop at our blueberry bushes and cleaned them out. Then, as either a gesture of thanks or to flip us the middle claw, the bear deposited a copious amount of blueberry-flecked scat in the middle of our lawn before heading off to greener, or at least higher fat.

I have no bone to pick with bears, and actually like the idea of sharing our little rural paradise with them. But, I like living with bears more as a theoretical construct than an actual co-habitation. When I’m out in the yard, I tend to keep a closer eye on the dog and chickens, and am more careful not to dribble honey on my clothing or make noises like a small furry rodent. Many years ago, the woman who is my wife and I had a fairly terrifying encounter with a mother bear and her cubs while backpacking in Yosemite. While we survived the encounter with only the loss of our packs, our dehydrated food and our dignity, I’ve seen bears in a slightly different light in the 40 years since that trip.

It turns out that I’m not the only one who thinks about bear encounters and takes steps to avoid them. I read recently in Outside magazine that bears were becoming a menacing presence in parts of Japan. Due to climate change, deforestation, urban expansion, and a decreasing human birth rate, the bear population in some human-occupied parts of Japan has increaed dramatically. Researchers estimate that the bear population in the Hokkaido district is in excess of 22,000, and the region has experienced 150 bear attacks over the past 60 years, including four fatalities in 2021.

Japan has responded exactly has you might have imaged it would: by turning to over-sized, solar-powered, robotic wolf sentries. The “Super Monster Wolves” feature menacing fangs, realistic fur, flashing red LED “eyes,” and a head capable of shaking side to side while emitting a menacing 90-decibel howl. The robotic wolves are said to effectively ward off bears within a square kilometer, and have proved more effective than electric fences or video cassettes playing old Godzilla movies.

I am all about getting a Super Monster Wolf robotic wolf or two for our back yard to discourage bears from pestering our animals, frightening us adults or consuming our berries. I may wait until spring, however, since I assume even Bainbridge bears hibernate, although I bet they do it in snug subterranean lairs with forced air heating and cable TV.

As if marauding bears and Super Monster Wolves weren’t enough to disturb my autumn sleeping, I just saw a video of a recent Bigfoot sighting. The video was shot in Colorado, and showed the very tall Sasquatch walking and squatting exactly the way a Sasquatch would walk and squat, which therefore proves the video is legitimate. I’m afraid that means in addition to my Super Monster Wolf to deter bears from our yard, I’ll need to invest in a Super Monster Yeti to deter the Sasquatches.

Tom Tyner of Bainbridge Island writes a weekly humor column for this newspaper.