This last Saturday, Dec. 27 was my birthday. No big deal or anything, I was just wondering why nothing very exciting ever happens two days after Christmas. I mean I spent the first three hours or so of my b-day stacking wood and I guess the day went okay and everything but … come on everybody I turned 17! This is big news! Before I know it I’ll be an old person, and nothing wrong with that except that I like my skin where it was originally planned.

So, I was looking on the Internet (one of the few sources of absolute truth and if you believe that, then I also say that sending me money will make hair loss a thing of the past) for all the things history had to say about Dec. 27, and I gotta say I was disappointed at my predecessors. As proud as I am that I share a birthday with Sydney Greenstreet (I don’t know who he is either) I found the lack of historical significance a little bit of a downer.

Now, I could tell you that I also share a birthday with Johannes Kepler but that wouldn’t be funny because I couldn’t complain about it. For any of you who don’t know who he is, he was some guy in 1571 who did something about stuff that had to do with things like planets and stuff, or something. I guess Trotsky getting expelled from the Communist party could be an exciting thing that happened on the Dec. 27 but I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or not (Trotsky sounds like some sort of onion dip or something). In 1979, Russia invaded Afghanistan on Dec. 27 and at first I was thinking “Hey! That’s kinda interesting,” but then I read that in 1989 Egypt resumed full diplomatic relations with Syria and the non-violence kind of balances out the violence making my birth date all boring again.

But then I found something that really made me think, at first I was like “Ow! This thinking thing kind of hurts!” but once I got over that I read the shocking news. A UFO WAS SIGHTED IN SOUTH AFRICA IN 1998! You can read this shocking report for yourself on the internet — so there isn’t any doubt that it has to be true! I thought that was amazing enough but then I got a hold of a Stop Cassini newsletter from 1999 (I don’t know what that is either) and it said (drum roll please) … “Pentagon confident that Russian Y2K failures won’t kill millions of Americans.” How could you not be excited about news like that?!? I mean we all know that Y2K was a very successful advertising campaign for bottled water. Similar to the campaign they launched in 1938 with Orson Wells as their star giving the “War of the Worlds” broadcast.

To think that my birthday shares its date with all these great achievements almost brings a tear to my eye (then again so does staring into the sun, not exactly an A+ decision).

But before you start to think that I’m finished here, let me astound you with some more facts about Dec. 27. In 1980, the single “What can you get a Wookie for Christmas (when he already owns a comb)” peaked at number 69 on the pop charts. I don’t even want to know why the pop charts considered it a song but hey, it beats the headline about Y2K. In 1998, hairboutique.com announced to the world that quote “no one likes frizzy hair.” Nothing says happy birthday quite like a hair styling newsletter’s report on frizzy hair. It is my personal belief that frizzy hair was the cause of Y2K, the communist party and the Wookie song. And before I decide to change the topic of this article to frizzy hair because it’s so much more exciting, let me remind you yet again that this exciting announcement happened on my birthday! I only wish I had known it at the time! I would have turned 12 that year and I’m sure “frizzy hair” was at the top of my thought processes, right under “remember to breathe.”

Now I’m sure you’re wondering why you should even care enough to have read this far into this article. And I’m really glad you’re wondering that because it’s time for me to reveal my master plan.

Let’s make Dec. 27 a national holiday!

I mean, I’m sure I don’t have to go over again the wonderful things that happened on that date. Join me! Take up the fight! Still unconvinced? Think of the benefits! No post Christmas letdown! More gifts to buy! Johannes Kepler’s face plastered on billboards all across the country! More shopping! People singing cheery 27 carols like “What to get a Wookie for Christmas.”

The wonderful atmosphere produced from knowing Trotsky is no longer in the communist party! And best of all life-like scenes in shopping malls all over the country of a UFO sighting in a small South African town! Who could resist petitioning until their picket signs become fused to their internal organs for a holiday like this?! Who could resist using lots of exclamation marks in their sentences when they’re talking about it like I’ve done in my past nine or 10 sentences? And this one! Maybe right now you don’t think this sounds like a good idea but trust me, next year when you’re sitting on Trotsky-Clauses lap and he’s handing out old Y2K candy, you’ll thank me.

Nate Orwiler is a NKHS student who lives in Kingston and caught our eye last month as one of North Kitsap’s up and coming humor writers. We’ll be sharing his musings with our readers from time to time in this paper and the Kingston View.