All too often, women are stuck as the damsel in distress, crying, whining and waiting for “My Hero” to save their bacon so they can then put on an apron and get behind the stove to make some breakfast. For a while, that’s where this June Cleaver breed of ladies belonged in Hollywood’s eyes. The barefoot and pregnant part came later, I suppose.
Well, times have changed and while movie producers still throw bubble-headed, bleach blonde bimbos on the screen with such regularity I’m forced to wonder who isn’t sleeping with the director, every now and again, a few realize that someone who can endure hours of pain in childbirth can surely kick butt elsewhere if needed.
• “Kill Bill Vol. 1” (2003) Hellbent on revenge Uma Thurman leads an all-star cast on a journey through a blood-spattered landscape lovingly tilled by “San” Quentin Tarantino. In order to kill Bill, Thurman must revive from a coma, best her former assassin buddies, the Crazy 88s — the Japanese action figures, of which feature removable limbs and squirt fake blood, cooool — and track down former “Kung Fu” star David Carradine. Thurman is tough as nails and twice as sharp as she wields her Hattori Hanzo blade on her lengthy quest that ends in “Kill Bill Vol. 2” (2004), which, unfortunately wasn’t half as good as its predecessor.
• “Long Kiss Goodnight” (1996) Amnesia stricken former assassin Geena Davis adopts the “good life” in small town USA only to run smack dab into her old enemies. The plot is about as plausible as my tale of taking a young Angelina Jolie to the prom and almost as entertaining. Davis teams up with deadbeat dad, private investigator Samuel L. (Lovely?) Jackson, who is tasked with helping her discern her original identity. The transformation of Davis from housewife to hardened killer is as enjoyable as wearing a new pair of white shoes before they get their first scuff mark.
• “La Femme Nikita” (1990) Growing up watching Kung Fu Theater, I began to wonder two things 1) How come my arms don’t make huge swooshing sounds when I make a pseudo karate chop? and 2) Who hired the schmucks to spit out the English dialogue three seconds after the actor stopped speaking? Since then, I have become a fan of subtitles in foreign cinema. And if you’re going to see “Nikita” — it’s subtitles or nothing. French director Luc Besson is at his best as he follows Nikita from her life as a dying dope fiend to a highly trained hitwoman. The beauty of this movie is it doesn’t miss a beat, tackling everything from the heroine’s ill-fated love life to her personal struggle with her new profession. In 1993, Bridget Fonda was featured in the ripoff version — “Point of No Return,” i.e. after the movie guy has taken your hard earned money for a second-rate substitute teacher, ugly kid sister of a movie that is as poorly acted as it is unoriginal.
• “Red Sonja” (1985) riding the fantasy, sword swinging success created by Gov. Schwarzenegger’s “Conan the Barbarian” (1982) and its wussy PG-13 sequel “Conan the Destroyer” (1984), someone got the idea of taking the Amazonian Brigitte Nielsen, sticking a red, she-mullet wig on her noggin and having her parade around the 1959 set of “Hercules” for 89 minutes of misery. Perhaps thinking that viewers would be too distracted by Nielsen’s freakishly long legs, director Richard Fleischer — who oddly enough graced the silver screen with such greats as “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” (1954), “The Vikings” (1958) and “Fantastic Voyage” (1966) — threw this one together like a midnight snack. Oh, it’s got a magic sword, attempts at humor and the brilliant twist that although Red Sonja plays opposite the Gov. her power is based on the oath that she cannot give herself to any man (Hmm … if only there was another option.)
The sexual tension is killing me. Can she resist Ah-nald? No? Yes? Kind of? Will they hook up and produce an uber race of gigantic, muscular, red-mulleted children who throw out pithy one-liners quicker than Tyra Banks can say, “Congratulations Jill, you’re still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model”?
Note to geek fans: Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver have not been forgotten and will be featured in the Women of Sci-fi.
