BREMERTON — Bigfoot’s real. They’ve seen it.

But, why aren’t there any clear photos of Bigfoot?

Because Bigfoot has a cloaking capability. It can be visible or invisible, if and when it wants.

OK, but why hasn’t anyone found bones or fossils?

Because Bigfoot is interdimensional — it lives in another dimension, but sometimes comes to ours.

That’s ridiculous, how would Bigfoot cross dimensions?

Easy. Portals. Portals guarded by furry creatures with glowing eyes.

Right, So why hasn’t anyone taken a photo of a portal?

Duh, because portals only appear at night and disappear when exposed to light.

This according to researchers at the Bigfoot Habituation Research Conference April 24-26 at the Baymont Inn and Suites in Bremerton.

The conference was attended by over 100 people and featured over a dozen speakers, including Bob Gimlin of the famous Patterson-Gimlin Film. The 1967 film supposedly captures Bigfoot walking in Bluff Creek, California.

Gimlin, 84, kicked off the conference by recounting his tale of Bigfoot and then posed for pictures and flirted with female fans.

“I’m honored to get all of this,” Gimlin said of the attention.

The conference was led and organized by Matthew “Dr. J” Johnson, a 53-year-old psychologist from Puyallup who’s been “Bigfooting” since his first encounter in 2000.

At 6-feet 9-inches tall and 300 pounds, Dr. J is a mammoth of a man. Throw on a Chewbacca costume and he might be Bigfoot.

He’s been championing the habituation Bigfooting, a passive, Jane Goodall-style approach to finding the mythical creatures, for several years now.

Dr. J shocked many in attendance when he told a story explaining why Bigfoot is so elusive. In short, he said Bigfoot is an interdimensional being that travels through portals (like this) which are guarded by short, furry creatures with glowing red eyes, and then once Bigfoot is in our dimension it has the ability to cloak itself, rendering it invisible.

One night, a Bigfoot even spoke to Dr. J in a dream.

“The adolescent male (Bigfoot) says ‘It’s OK, that’s just a portal and those are two guardians who are making sure you guys don’t go into the portal, so they’re scaring you away,’” Dr. J said.

“Portals are real, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not making this crap up.”

At least one local Bigfooter found Dr. J’s story dubious.

“I don’t go in for the cloaking and interdimensional stuff,” said Patrick Cooper. “I’m only interested in the physical nature of Sasquatch.”