The Black Dahlia

Rated R

You gotta see this if: You feel that Scarlett Johansson hasn’t been in enough films recently.

final analysis: *½ This movie is like cotton candy: big and colorful but lacking substance. “The Black Dahlia” suffers from the biggest sin to plague book to movie adaptations. Instead of choosing one main plotline to follow it crams in numerous subplots, each like a chainlink weighing the movie down to a murky depth. It’s not about the Dahlia, a real murder victim from the ‘40s, but follows two police officers / boxers trying to solve the crime. Added to the stew is the woman both men love (played by Scarlett Johannson looking like whipped cream with cherry lips) a Dahlia look-a-like and seductress, and too many other characters who fade in and out without furthering the plot. The biggest thing this film has going for it is its cinematography. It’s beautiful to watch, though filled with every film noir cliché director DePalma could pull from the archives. “The Black Dahlia” is entertaining at times but, overall, is simply too much to take: to much melodrama, too many red herrings and too many plotlines. After leaving the cinema, you might remember the pretty actors in pretty clothes driving pretty cars, but the storyline will remain a mystery.

All the King’s Men

Rated PG-13

You gotta see this if: You prefer your grits served with an English muffin.

final analysis: * Another player has jumped onto the remake bandwagon. What makes this remake a particularly bad idea is the fact that the original “All the King’s Men” won several Academy awards including Best Picture of 1946. Where does the remake have to go but down? Director Steven Zaillian takes the leap and belly flops. Even the venerable cast of Sean Penn, Anthony Hopkins, Jude Law, and Kate Winslet can’t pull this flick back to the surface. In fact, the three English actors thrust into a Louisiana setting reminded me of the accent-challenged Leslie Howard in “Gone With the Wind.” Sean Penn in the lead role as a man-of-the-people politician whose high ideals blacken on the political vine, acts his heart out, but he is miscast as the “Kingpin” governor. Another bad decision was moving the time period from the 1930s to the ‘50s. The story is steeped in depression era repercussions and isn’t as believable in the “Golden Age.” It’s a great plot dismally executed, with more cracks than Humpty Dumpty after the fall. For superior films on political corruption, take a look at the original “All the King’s Men” or 1998’s “Primary Colors.”

Keeping Mum

Rated R

You gotta see this if: You want to see just how dirty Patrick Swayze can get.

final analysis: *** From Mary Poppins to Nanny McPhee, the hired hand who sets a wayward family on the proper path is a well-told story. “Keeping Mum,” however, is the first time the tale has been aimed at a mature audience. Grace, played by Dame Maggie Smith, is a nanny/housekeeper with magic up one sleeve and a homicidal streak up the other. She comes to the tiny English hamlet of Little Wallop to help the Goodfellow family. Dad is the local vicar whose passion for his parishioners leaves little left for his lonely wife who instead turns to her American golf instructor, a man with a knack for innuendo and an eye for the Goodfellow’s 17-year-old daughter. The daughter’s eyes are turned by every available male in the village and the Goodfellow’s young son is being bullied by a local bicycle gang. After Grace arrives, their problems rapidly disappate, but from which sleeve is Grace pulling her remedies? “Keeping Mum” is half froth, half espresso and wouldn’t be half as delicious without its impeccable cast. Smith, Rowan Atkinson, Kristin Scott Thomas and Patrick Swayze each add shots to the mix that will keep you buzzing for days.