I’m embarrassed to tell you that I never played sports growing up, except when they made me in P.E.

I was active — bicycling, tree climbing and, it was the height of the aerobics era, so I was pretty fluent in the grapevine and pony step. But I never learned to be a team player.

This is probably why I’m having trouble being a good Soccer Mom. I love that my kids play sports.  They are awesome! They inherited their love of sports from their dad, I know this.  Megan and Jacob have played for several years, and they are both getting really good at going after the ball, taking ownership of their new skills and trusting their instincts. I feel really happy for them.

But I’m getting the idea that I’m not doing my part.  A lot of the other parents — the ones who obviously know a lot about soccer and used to play it and probably still play it every day — stand on the sidelines and yell things to the kids.

“Megan, run up! Help her! Help her! No, what are you doing … No, no, no!  OK, now you need to go back! Back, back, back!  Follow through with it, follow through!”

Is it because I didn’t play sports as a kid that I don’t get how helpful this is? Or is it just because I’m lazy?   And I am — a lazy parent lounging away on my sports chair. Even if I knew what to yell, it feels like a lot of work to help her figure out how to play soccer from the sidelines. I didn’t know that it was a spectator-involved sport. My druthers is to just sit and smile, with the occasional, “Good job, Megan!” But that’s me, lazy.If I did start yelling, it would probably be things like, “Megan, don’t push!  Megan, tie your shoe!” And those don’t seem to be what the other parents are yelling.

Sideline parenting. I haven’t Google searched  this, but I think it’s already a real thing. It must be popular, with so many people doing it.

I’m curious.  Can the sideline parenting style be used elsewhere? Dance recitals, maybe? Those cute little dancers in their tutus might improve their performances with a little parental coaching from the audience.

“Leap, Jessie, leap! Now twirl — chin up! Point your toes! Don’t slouch!”

Could be useful. Parents get up out of their seats to take pictures, why not to call out play by play direction? No sense making the kidlets try to remember the routines on their own.

Piano recitals? We always told the kids that when they made a mistake, to just keep playing through and no one would notice. Maybe that wasn’t such good advice, I’m thinking now. Maybe comments from parents in the audience — “Sheesh, missed that note! Faster, faster! Now slower. Ugh, too loud, too loud!” — maybe then the kids would recognize their mistakes and do better? Might be worth a try.

So, is it just my lack of sports experience that makes me stare open-mouthed at parents who shout orders at 10-year-old girls? Or is it that I’m too lazy to yell and be helpful myself?

If you see me around town, please don’t yell at me for my sideline parenting ignorance. I would cry, and I’m not lazy about crying. In fact, I’m downright energetic about it.