Good news, fellow citizens of Kingston.
The 2016 Olympics may have gone to Rio de Janeiro, but the 2020 games are up for grabs, and – since the selection process hasn’t even started – Kingston still has a chance! And why not? Beijing, London, Vancouver … what do they have that we don’t? Okay, they’re a little bigger, and the world has actually heard of them, but really, sophistication is overrated and having skyscrapers and mass transit is just showing off.
Who needs hotels and culture and life after 10 p.m.? We have the new Village Green and plenty of time to plan the community center a skosh bigger. I mean, we have 10 whole years to throw together a stadium or two and mint some commemorative coins. Everything else is already in place; for instance, who needs a swimming pool when we’re surrounded by water, right? And the Kingston High School field now has lights, so all of those world class athletes can be putting shots and vaulting poles far into the night. Originally, Bucs football games were video-taped by one of the dads sitting in a tree outside the fence. Fortunately for the media, there are plenty of trees to go around. And you can’t get much greener than that.
If only we could have sent Pete DeBoer to Copenhagen last month, Kingston might have had a shot at the 2016 games. He could have wooed the committee with tales of sitting on his father’s knee, cheering on Jesse Owens (never mind that Pete wasn’t born yet; accuracy isn’t important when it comes to wheedling for Olympic consideration – though Salt Lake City is proof that a little payola doesn’t hurt).
Anyway, why host 2016 when 2020 sounds so much cooler? Think of all the great slogans: “Kingston: focused on 2020,” “Kingston: a town with 2020 vision,” “Kingston eyes 2020.” You get the idea. Of course, we’ll have to bring in Hansville and Indianola. The Indianola dock would be perfect for the 10-meter platform dive. There wouldn’t be any of that wacky subjective judging either; in Indianola, the gold medal goes to the last athlete to avoid a broken neck after diving into the shallow water.
Hansville would be hurdle-jumping heaven with Olympic runners taking on the Hood Canal Drive speed bumps. We’d be happy to give Suquamish a spot, but with all the random bottle rockets going off, we’re afraid every race would be a false start. Eglon was considered briefly, but it was feared that upon seeing the quaint little burg, the athletes (especially those from California) would demand asylum and stay.
Naturally, Kingston would host most events. We could even invent a few of our own including “shoot the slough tunnel” and the “ferry traffic dash.” The “commuter relay” would involve sprinting for the 6:25 boat while handing off a hot latté venti. Another exciting new ferry-based competition, the “walk-on triathlon” would combine racing, jumping, and gymnastics (and perhaps wrestling for a favorite seat).
As with any daring proposal, this one will no doubt have its naysayers: “The Olympics costs $20 to 40 billion,” they’ll say. Or “Kingston is a small town, only 2.4 square acres, and 32 percent of that is water.” Well, la-di-dah. First of all, I’m sure we can take up a collection or something. And isn’t it time for the Romes and Los Angeleses and Moscows of the world to share the glory with a little guy? Besides, Kingston has always been in the shadow of the Olympics – the Olympic Mountains, that is – and that’s where we’ll stay, until the International Olympic Committee forces a name change, in which case we should consider alternative names like Big Thunder, Splash, or the Space Mountains because I’m sure Disney, unlike the IOC, isn’t fussy about copyright violation.
So, while Pete DeBoer works on his pitch, let us recite with provincial pride, “Kingston: The perfect 2020 site.”
Wendy Tweten is working on a gold medal for most cups of coffee consumed in a 12-hour period. Wish her luck through her Web site at www.wendytweten.com.
