By Lesli Dullum-Tutterrow

Optimal  Wellness Inc.

The holidays are upon us. While some of us embrace the opportunities for family, food, football and fun, others approach the holidays with increased trepidation at the mere thought of being with extended family.

Let’s face it. Family is fraught with difficulty. Whether you are soon to be face-to-face with your filterless Aunt Tilly or your boisterous step siblings, few situations have the potential to send us into a stress tailspin as being with our relatives for the holidays.

As the saying goes, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.

So how does one minimize the impact and keep the chaos from turning into emotional, mental or physical carnage?  How can you deal effectively with the difficult to deal with people in your life and minimize your stress?

Choose a beneficial perspective. Ask yourself, can I deal with my nosey aunt for just one day and actually attempt to enjoy her company instead of dreading it? You might consider asking her some questions about her life, which may keep her from prying into yours.

Remember, you can only control yourself. Be on your best, most helpful and considerate behavior. Make sure the only pot you stir is the one on the stove. The holidays are not the time or venue to have it out with your brother–in-law who “forgot” to pay you back the money he borrowed three years ago.

Conversely, you can’t control others, but you can set boundaries around their inappropriate behavior. Perhaps you have a relative that doesn’t “get the hint” when you attempt to change a touchy subject, or insists upon talking politics when history has shown that sparks start flying 10 minutes into a political debate.

It is perfectly appropriate to tell Uncle Fred that you would love to talk about anything other than politics.

Show up bringing your best you. This means taking care of yourself and bringing your best self to the party. Make sure that you are eating and sleeping well and keeping up with (or starting) your work out regimen.

If you start skimping on sleep, eating well and moving your body, you are more likely to experience impatience, irritability and increased intolerance for what otherwise might be a no big deal, ordeal.

Question your thoughts and conclusions. Are there family members you have formed negative opinions about based on prior occasions? Is there a family member that you just don’t click with? Consider approaching them this year with a “blank slate” and even being curious about them. Maybe your husband’s little brother has grown up a bit since last year.

Perhaps your out-of-town cranky grandmother has been fighting chronic pain. Suspend your judgment long enough to crawl into someone else’s world. You might learn something and develop some compassion along the way.

Abandon the perfection ship. While it is common to want everything to be just right, remember it’s likely not going to be. You are dealing with family, i.e. imperfect people.

So focus on creating an atmosphere that is conducive to people enjoying themselves, making great memories and having fun. But abandon ship when it comes to striving for “perfect.” It’s a surefire way to stress yourself out as well as the people around you.

The holidays can bring a lot of joy, and/or a ton of added stress, so choose this year how you will approach them. Your attitude matters.

So keep the main thing the main thing. Are you grateful for your family? Do the holidays have religious or spiritual meaning for you?

Stay focused on what is important, even if Uncle Fred tries to rattle your political cage.

Lesli Dullum-Tutterrow is a certified counselor in private practice and owns her own health and wellness business. Email her at optimalwellnessconsulting@gmail.com.