“I’m a liberal on some issues and conservative on others. For example, I would not burn a flag, but neither would I put one out.”

-Comic Garry Shandling

Last week’s election is officially over now, and it has been thoroughly analyzed, deconstructed, editorialized, satirized, justified, decried and commented upon ad nauseum by the finest political minds of our times to the point where nothing more can or needs to be said about it, which is exactly why I thought this was the right time for me to say a few words about it.

First a disclaimer – I am not a member of either the Republican or the Democratic party. I am an Independent, free-range, pro-life, pro-death, propane-using, bleeding-heart liberal from the fringes of the Christian left. I have never purchased illegal drugs or massages from a gay prostitute. At least I don’t think he was gay.

The views expressed in this column do not represent the views of the Review, the Kitsap Newspaper Group, the city of Bainbridge Island, right-thinking Americans anywhere, Jerry Falwell or Barbra Streisand. In fact, they occasionally do not even reflect the views of the author himself, but that’s something I’m taking medication for. I take full responsibility for the accuracy of any statements that may appear in this column, unless they turn out to be untrue, in which case I deny having said them. Alternatively, I blame the internet.

To help stimulate my thought processes about the election, I first did what is referred to by my colleagues around the office as “assuming the position,” which for me means I put my feet up on my desk, leaned back in my chair, crossed my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, and turned my full and unwavering internal attention to the election and what it means to me, to America and to the world.

I awoke a half an hour or so later feeling considerably refreshed but still without a clue about how I feel about the election. I know that, as someone who strongly felt that our country had gotten way off track over the past six years, I should be happy about the outcome of the election. And, at some level, I guess I am.

But I can’t honestly say that I feel anything close to euphoric about the outcome of the election, and I can’t exactly put my finger on why that is. Part of it may be that on some level I have no doubt that the new Democratic-controlled Congress will, in time, prove themselves equally adept as their Republican predecessors at ensnaring themselves in scandals and questionable behavior, and forgetting that they are public servants entrusted with a sacred obligation to serve their country faithfully and selflessly. I’d like to think I’m wrong about that, but history suggests otherwise.

The new Speaker of the House was quoted as promising to make this Congress the “most honest, ethical and open” one in history. That sounds good at first blush, but on deeper reflection, doesn’t it suggest that honesty and ethics are sort of sliding scale, and that being completely honest isn’t necessary so long as you are more honest than the other guy?

And shouldn’t a commitment to honesty and ethics be considered a bottom-line given for members of Congress rather than an aspiration? Given the lack of trust and confidence and low regard the American people have for Congress as an institution, how high does the bar really have to be set in order for this Congress to be the most honest, ethical and open one in history?

So the stance I’m taking for the time being is one of hopeful optimism, which, coincidently, is exactly the state of mind you’d be well-advised to adopt if you were ever detained because you had been declared an enemy combatant in a worldwide war by a country that no longer recognizes the doctrine of habeas corpus.

Tom Tyner of Bainbridge Island writes a weekly humor column for this newspaper. This is from his “Classics File” written years ago.